I hope everyone is having a great summer and taking some time to have some fun. In my second staff interview of this series, I am interviewing Shadow today. He is the Gamma male of our pack, behind Smokey and myself. He is probably actually behind Bennie Hana the cat, but Bennie insists he is not in our same management line so we'll leave him out for now. You know how cats are.
Rascal: 'Shadow, welcome to my blog. Thank you for being here today."
Shadow: 'Hey is this thing on, Hello, Hellloo, my name is SHAAAADOOOOW.
Rascal: 'yes, the microphone is on, how else would this interview get translated to text. Don't slobber all over the mic, you don't need to put your lips on it and just talk normal, it's sensitive. Geez. You act like you've never been interviewed before."
Shadow: "So, let's start talking about how I lead the pack here on the farm and all the heroic deeds I have performed."
Rascal "umm, that would be a different dog, one I don't know. We are talking to you today. Let's talk about how you came to be here. You answered my ad for minions and your first family brought you where where you eagerly agreed to my leadership in all things..
Shadow: "halt machen my little Scottish friend, I never signed any paperwork of any kind. My first family had to find homes for my brother and I and we ended up here because these people needed protection from all enemies around the farm:
Ras: "ok first of all, stop with the German. You don't really speak it.
Shadow: "halt die Goeshe..which means shut your mouth, dirty little dog. Ok, I added that last part"
Ras: "I don't think you could carry on a conversation and it doesn't work when you shout at the elk in your FAKE german accent things like "Where are your papers, You are not authorized to be here" Dude, they totally see through that
Shadow "it's REAL. Sei nicht dumm"
Ras: "no, it's not. You need to stop watching those old WWII movies, seriously dude. Back to the interview. So you and Smokey are brothers, and he's MUCH bigger than you
Shadow: "only by 20 pounds. he's not that much bigger"
Ras: "But in dog pounds, that's like 140 pounds! I bet he can fit your whole head in his mouth."
Shadow: "No, that's not true, not that he's ever tried it and failed or anything."
Ras: "So you two are close, like brothers and yet you still sometimes try to get dominance over Smokey."
Shadow: "Well, the pack must be the strongest it can be at all times and it's always important to keep..."
Ras: "yada yada, whatever dude. I do notice that you stick close to the people most of the time time.
Shadow: "that is what I am here for, to protect the humans. I stay with them, mostly with the CFO, she needs the most protection and she gives good belly rubs"
Ras: "yeah, I don't really like that you hang out with my mom so much, I mean the CFO"
Shadow "you are a jealous little Scotsman"
Ras: "you say that like it's an insult you big smelly German Shepherd"
Shadow: "I'm not allowed to test fit your head in my mouth or this would be all over"
Ras: "yeah and you go down fast when I bite your back legs"
Shadow: "a wee little Scottish dog fighting dirty, imagine that"
Ras: "ok, that's it! Come at me bro, come on. Let's dance, you want somma this"
Shadow "nun mach mal halblang!
Ras: "Mooooooooom, he's threatening me in German again"
That concludes the interview with Shadow. The CFO did have to intervene at the end there. All in all, he's a good worker, he just tries a bit too hard to move his way up the hierarchy, and he is smelly. Until next time, nap well my friends.
Well hello my raving fans. As we celebrate our fifth anniversary here on Frost Farm, I thought it was high time to start publishing interviews with my crew. I could have done them in any order, but I decided to start by size, so that means that today I am interviewing Smokey.
Rascal: "hello Smokey and welcome to today's blog segment"
Smokey: "umm, yes, hello small white dog."
R: "you can just call me boss, it's OK
S: "OK, small off-white dog"
R: "sigh, ok, so let's get started here. You came to live on Frost Farm after a massive recruitment effort where I was recruiting for the biggest and most trainable minions I could find, correct?"
S: "no, small, seldom-white dog, I came to live on the farm after my original people needed to find a new home for me and my brother, Shadow, due to changes in their complicated life patterns"
R: "Right, they answered my ad and..."
S: "little dog, do not try to obscure the truth. The Universe willed that we should come to this wonderful place to fulfill our life purpose and live out our path here".
R: "right, ok. So since you started with this, let's discuss your very unique personal philosophy. You are into meditation and all that zen stuff, isn't that right? You don't believe in killing/eating other animals, you eat mostly vegetables, meditate and all that right"
S: "Small dog with big attitude, it is important to have balance in our lives and that is what I strive for every day. We must balance our barking with our tail wagging. It is important to lie in a hole in the dirt we have dug with our own paws and receive the energy from the sun and the earth.
R: "is that how you justify those craters that you dig in the backyard that almost caused the CFO to break her ankle when she stepped in one?"
S: "I am certainly not aware of any such incident, small stinky dog."
R: "REALLY? because I heard her cussing all the way from my recliner."
S: "I certainly do not recall any such event, however, in the future I will limit my excavations to areas which are clearly visible and not hidden by ground cover."
R: "do you seriously talk this way all the time? I mean really. you are the biggest dog I've ever seen at 124 pounds, which makes you great asset to my army, but the whole "I won't kill anything' is really putting a damper on my world domination plans.
S: "my communication style is effective. Another point I wish to clarify is that some creatures, their path is to be eaten by other animals. Such as flies, I do like to snap them as they are annoying and cause us pain. Magpies and Ravens also all deserve to be snapped because they steal our dog food and taunt us with disparaging remarks. Unfortunately, I do admit to taking part in the harvesting of a wild bunny, but that was not entirely my fault
R: "Aaaah, dude! That was the time that Rio herded the rabbit straight toward you and Shadow and you grabbed it.
S: "unfortunately, I was panting from running and it jumped into my mouth"
R:: "and then you two tore it in half. That was soooo gnarly"
S: "I'd prefer not to relive that moment"
R:: and then the Farm Manager and the CFO had to wrestle the rabbit halves from each of you, I remember that, so much yelling. I thought for sure that Shadow was going to pass out before letting go of his half. You let go of yours right away"
S: "well, the CFO and the assistant manager seemed very upset so I didn't want to be in trouble, I didn't intentionally get that rabbit, it just jumped into my mouth, just like the baby magpie that time. I still grieve for those magpie parents"
R: "oh yea, remember that time when the assistant manager and the CFO were burning weeds and field mice were running everywhere, and that one that was on fire, ran straight at you and you stepped on it and then lifted your paw and couldn't find it because it was squished between your pads. OMG! That was the funniest thing I've ever seen."
S: "that was another unfortunate incident. I was simply trying to put out the fire on that poor creature's back and it didn't work out the way that I intended.:
R: "OMG, the CFO had to pull it out of your paw and it was all squished, bwa ha ha ha"
S: "I should have reviewed and approved of the topics we would discuss in this interview ahead of time before consenting to this."
R: "Nope, mom said I didn't have to and that this could be free from, I mean the CFO not mom, since this is official farm business here"
S: "I'm afraid that I must excuse myself from this exercise now and go meditate and reflect on the loss of life that I have inadvertently caused while pursuing a life of harmony.
R: l "but wait, I'm not done yet, let's talk about the time....."
S: "No, small ill-mannered dog, I must go and sit under a tree and contemplate my life path and atone for those who perished at my paws (except for flies, those really don't count)"
R: "Ok, if the 124 pound minion says the interview is over, I guess it's over. You all can see now what a challenge it is to muster a fight out of a 124 zen seeking, mostly pacifist dog. He does a good job of moving aluminum pipe around at Rio's direction and he's quiet. Overall, a good performer. A valued member of the team here at Frost Farm. This is Rascal, Farm Manager, over and out."
So that concluded my interview with Smokey. He's short on words but a great minion for the most part. He's intimidating to look at, but if people knew how much of a wuss he is, we'd be in trouble. I mean, if you see him jump and run the other way, it usually means there is a snake there. Although sometimes, if you step on stick and it moves, Smokey thinks it's a snake and jumps and runs the other way not that I've ever done that to him just for fun or anything. LOL. Until next time, nap well my friends.
I was going to start off my blog with a typical introduction of myself and all of the crew, but that would be boring and expected. Luckily we just had the second most favorite type of day (for dogs anyway) on the farm second only to irrigation day, it was "move the chicken tractors" also known as "mice apocalypse"day. For those of you that don't know, our feathered production staff live in what are called 'chicken tractors' aka Feathered Production Staff (FPS) dormitories. No, they aren't living in our John Deere, they are movable chicken houses that have wire floors so the chicken 'stuff' falls to the ground below the chicken house. Much cleaner than a traditional chicken house, well theoretically anyway, you probably don't know how much chickens poop but it's ALOT.
Once the chicken houses are full, the assistant farm manager and the CFO (my mom) hook them up to the John Deere and move them. "Well what's so exciting about that?" you may ask. Some of you may think you know, you probably assume that it's the stuff that falls through the bottoms of the chicken house that we are so excited to get to. In reality, we have so much chicken, duck and goose poop around the farm that it is not a delicacy. So even though, when the chicken houses are moved, a lot more of it is available in a convenient pile, poop is easy to find around here. (side note: I am drafting up a business plan to package and sell farm bird poop to city dwelling dogs who otherwise have no access to high quality organic bird poop). What we do care about is the hundreds of mice that are living beneath the FPS dormitories. If any of you have ever seen the videos of the seals jumping out of the air to get away from the great white sharks in South Africa, it's the same thing here but it's mice jumping out of the straw underneath the chicken houses. There are literally hundreds of mice that run everywhere, so my crew and I are on scene to catch these furry little scavengers.
Yesterday my count was five mice, Rio easily got twice that number. George stepped on one and then picked it up in his mouth, but didn't like how it was wriggling around so he dropped it and Shadow finished it. Due to dietary restrictions, Shadow is not supposed to have corn products and since these mice are corn fed, he's not supposed to eat them, but I saw him sneak a few. He's lucky the CFO didn't see him. Smokey provides perimeter security so we can conduct the extermination operation without any interference, (sneak attacks by Hanz and Franz) , killing mice really isn't his thing. He accidentally stepped on one once, it got stuck between the pads in his feet and the CFO had to remove it for him. He then went into the orchard to contemplate the fleeting lifespark of a mouse. He's so existential, which is fine, it doesn't interfere with this core duties most of the time.
The truly shocking events of yesterday, which is another thing that you may not realize, is not only do us dogs go after the mice but the chickens, will tear them apart! The peacocks, also come calling for their share of the bounty. It's not unusual on "mice apocalypse day" to see chickens running around with mice dangling from their beaks. The chickens are terrorized by these small phantom menaces, they steal food from them, ctrack their eggs and who knows what kind of smack talking goes on. How scientists missed the connection between these birds and dinosaurs is beyond me and a huge 'DUH" moment. One you see a chicken running around with a mouse dangling from it's beak, you can never un-see it and you think twice about turning your backs to them, especially when they are all together in a group.
If you are ever visiting Frost Farm on "mice apocalypse day" there are a few rules that you want to follow:
1. Keep your pants legs tucked inside your boots, or put rubber bands on your pants legs because the mice will run up a pants leg lightning fast. I've seen this happen before and while it's hilarious, it seems to be very distressing for humans. I'm not sure if it's the fact that the mouse is running up their pants, or if' it's being knocked over by one of my crew in hot pursuit of the fugitive.
2. Do not accept doggie kisses! If you do, you will get a mixture of things that most humans do not like to be kissed with!
All in all, it was a great action packed day and my crew performed very well (George still needs work, but that's always the case.). Now it's time to rest and recover. Hopefully the CFO doesn't decide I need a bath. Til next time, nap well my friends.
This my first blog about blogging. My mom set me up with Canine NaturallySpeaking software and this is my first try at it. This way I can just dictate my blog, typing takes too long when you have little paws and no thumbs. This blog is for all of my fans current and future. This blog will be filled with my many adventures on the farm as the farm manager with all of the responsibilities that entails. You will get to follow along on my many new adventures. I think you'll enjoy all of the stories. You'll meet my crew and all the other characters on the farm in my upcoming posts.